CHuck Norris Facts

[fishki]

Chuck Norris once donated ten liters of his own blood. Immediately after, he won the Tour de France on a pogo stick.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is in fact a warning that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that he will cripple you if you park there.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for two years. He acquired seven different kinds of cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing naked for 30 minutes.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck proclaimed, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured the man’s blindness. Sadly, the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw was a fatal roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 59 minutes sexually satisfying the entire waitress staff.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry. Chuck Norris ate a fu@king Cherokee Indian.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word “hunting” implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris’ girlfriend once asked him how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “DON’T FU@K WITH CHUCK!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

When an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris possesses the greatest poker face of all time. It helped him win the 1993 World Series of Poker despite his holding just a joker, a get out of jail free Monopoly card, a two of clubs, a seven of spades and a green # four card from the game UNO.

Filming on location at a farm for Walker, Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a vigorous beard rub. Immediately after the animal sprang to its feet before a cheering crowd, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew that Chuck giveth and Chuck taketh away.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have to shave. His beard grows naturally in its perfect, rugged form. This is fortunate because the only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till…” After you ask, “Two seconds till what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself, to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to have sex with every girl in the stadium.

Those aren’t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in “Chuck Norris” you get “Huck corn, sir.” That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state to the ground.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart

[nemo]

Chuck Norris doesnt mow his lawn, he just sits there and dares it to grow

[twistedblister]

this is the best post ever

[WHO_99]

first of all

i already made this post 5 months ago lol

viewtopic.php?f=2&t=1955&hilit=+chuck

second

Chuck Norris was originally cast as Jack Bauer in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won’t ever get a heart attack, because a heart knows better than to attack Chuck Norris.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris does not “teabag” the ladies. He “Potato-Sacks” them.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris isn’t afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

If you want to have meet and greet with Chuck Norris, just kneel down and pray….He will answer.

Chuck Norris created the giraffe he kicked a horse under his chin…

Chuck Norris died three years ago. The grim reaper is just too scared to tell him

[fishki]

ha.. i forgot that was there or i would have added to it

[WHO_99]

hahaha oh well since there are more posts here i'll just add some lol. haha i have wayyy to much time on my hands.

one of my favorites - Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley.

In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.

Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

The last digit of pi is a picture of Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

like i said i have wayyy too much time on my hands lol

[cloud945076]

haha. I like the Optimus Prime one