Joke Thread

[twistedblister]

Dont wear us out. Post one joke at a time please and try to keep them lets see somewhat within the relm of good taste. Ie no racially or extremely sexually abusive jokes. well go wild . if i have to delete a post i will give you a very justified reason. IE the dead babbies ones. ok sick but aceptable.

any way thats one wish you have two left. ha.

[fishki]

How many babies does it take to shingle a house?

Six, you just got to slice them real thin

[twistedblister]

woo hoo. we have christend the joke thread. ok


very very old but very funny.

A woman walking down the street with her baby walks past a man who insults her and calls her baby the ugliest thing he has ever seen. The woman starts crying and sobbing in the middle of the street. A police man comes up and inquires to the trouble. She explains inbetween sobs that a cruel man insulted her. The police man tells her dont worry abut misss you should pay no attention to that ugly man. he goes on and says" I tell you what you can even have my banna in my lunch becase yours is the cutest monkey i have ever seen"

[arct1cdude]

ok i got one:
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

[twistedblister]

OK i am streching the idea of the joke here but.

what do you get when you cross and upmire and a deer

http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episode ... 6574ca0134

watch and learn

[elkhoury]

please enjoy:

http://s183.photobucket.com/albums/x5/D ... sSnake.gif

[cloud945076]

please enjoy:

http://s183.photobucket.com/albums/x5/D ... sSnake.gif

Nice. hahaha

[twistedblister]

Old Rodney Dangerfield line

"A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home! "

[stickcult]

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?


One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, the other one's a fish.

[twistedblister]

What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

[stickcult]

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a laundry bag?



One's white and dangerous for your kids to play with, the other one you carry your laundry in.

[twistedblister]

Tech help times ha.

"Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

[twistedblister]

more tech laughs

"This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items. "

[fishki]

^ yeah , got that one at an private engineering firm I worked at years ago, that was frakin hilarious, couldnt figure out if it was serious or a joke.



So why dont blind people skydive?
It scares the hell out of the dog.

[stickcult]

I actually knew a blind person who went skydiving. It was the double person sky diving, with him on the back of a person who could see, but still skydiving.

[twistedblister]

Guitar hero parody

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1797440

I am still looking for the dog food story but i deleted it so i have to see if any one saved it.

[stickcult]

Person 1: "That's a really nice outfit."
Person 2: "That's what she said."
Person 1: "You're not using that right!"
Person 2: "That's what she said."

[tekkentool]

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[twistedblister]

OK i dont know if this is one of those real or joke deals. it makes me laugh so i dont really care in the end. enjoy

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Science Diet at Pet Smart and standing in line at the checkout.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting the Science Diet diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Science Diet nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Idiot...why else would I buy dog food??

[stickcult]

That's an AWESOME story blister. I wish I could do that.

[elkhoury]

there was a pregnent woman from Iraq went to American hospital, the doctor told her bush bush and the Iraqy woman said sadam hussain sadam hussain.

Iraqy woman cant understand English and the doctor is saying "push" so the baby came out but the Iraqy woman thought the doc was saying "bush bush" so thats why she shaid "sadam hussain saddam hussain"

[twistedblister]

there was a pregnent woman from Iraq went to American hospital, the doctor told her bush bush and the Iraqy woman said sadam hussain sadam hussain.

Iraqy woman cant understand English and the doctor is saying "push" so the baby came out but the Iraqy woman thought the doc was saying "bush bush" so thats why she shaid "sadam hussain saddam hussain"

its time like that you dont need alchohol to vist another reality. wow.

ok no jokeless edits i am dreging my bottom here so please forgive me.

this is one of those that you can play on a friend. like the blowing bubbles joke.

whats the difference between hotdogs and dildos ?

the person you ask pretty much gives up or says what or somthing stupid .

RESPSONSE: Well if you dont know i'm not coming to your BBQ.

i did say i was dredging here.

[stickcult]

Yeah, that was pretty bad, yet good.

Here I go again!


What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.

What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.

What's worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?
Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup?
A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.

What's small, and shiny, and blue?
A baby with a plastic baggy over its head.

How do you get a baby out of a tree?
You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a piñata!

[fishki]

Okay, Stick.

I'm going to give you your VERY OWN PERSONAL ONLY YOU CAN POST EVERYONE ELSE CAN JUST READ LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE I WILL TALK ABOUT BABIES ALL I WANT DEAD BABY JOKE THREAD!!

but you have to add say like at least three a week...ok? ok.

I will do it tomorrow cause im tired. so after kids baseball tomorrow evening you will officially own your very own thread and i will delete any replies made there from others.

[elkhoury]

Yeah, that was pretty bad, yet good.

Here I go again!


What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.

What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.

What's worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?
Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup?
A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.

What's small, and shiny, and blue?
A baby with a plastic baggy over its head.

How do you get a baby out of a tree?
You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a piñata!

OMG the last was soo funny. but dude why dead babies.