Joke Thread

[stickcult]

I can't remember who, TS I think had a dead baby joke, and someone asked if people had any other dead baby jokes, and I never stopped!

[fishki]

Yeah, you were kinda like the Energizer Rabbit with the dead babies.

[twistedblister]

yeah its just gross out humor. there was a publication called grooss jokes or truly tasteless jokes. when i was a teen / preteen they were hot stuff and they had alot of dead baby jokes.

any way. the bubble joke to play on your friends. insperation for my hot dog joke.


man 1: Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid.

Victam 1: yes i did.

Man 1: well hes back in town and wants your number.

rim shot ( drum effect not what ever you were thinking )

[Mauro_890]

Hi dude

[TwistedSystem]

Hi dude

Hello to you good sir.

[twistedblister]

Come on jokes people. I told you I was not good at this. you are making me dredge the scum of the web

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey,
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."

[gabrile23]

I thought this one up at work its really bad.

Q-Why don't japanese fish talk much?
A-Because their koi.
Bad right its funny if you know what koi is.

[cloud945076]

wat is koi?

[gabrile23]

its a really cool looking fish. i love to have a koi pond in my back yard.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Koi
coy spelled this way mean shy. different spelling pronouce the same way.

[cloud945076]

o ive seen some of those in some restaurants

[gabrile23]

yeah Chinese or japanese restaurant right their cool looking fish bright orange red or black multicolored.

[cloud945076]

yeah. i always wanted to touch them

[WHO_99]

i got one.

A four year old and a seven year old talked in their room about how they are grown up now. "It about time we better start cussing" said seven year old Johnny. Four year old Andrew nodded aimlessly not really knowing what cuss words meant. The seven year old continued, "When we go downstairs for breakfast tomorrow morning, I will say a sentence with hell and you will say a sentence with ass".

The next morning, their mother greeted them in the kitchen by asking what they wanted for breakfast. Johnny said, "Aw hell mom I'll take some cheerios". In response to this, their mother spanked him, yelled at him, and sent him up to his room with no breakfast and was to be grounded for the day. The mom then turned to Andrew and said, "What would you like for breakfast?". Andrew, still shaking and confused about his brother's mishap, said, "I dont know, but you can bet your fat ass it wont be cheerios."

[cloud945076]

OMG. Lol good one. hahaha

[hippo99]

i got one.

A four year old and a seven year old talked in their room about how they are grown up now. "It about time we better start cussing" said seven year old Johnny. Four year old Andrew nodded aimlessly not really knowing what cuss words meant. The seven year old continued, "When we go downstairs for breakfast tomorrow morning, I will say a sentence with hell and you will say a sentence with ass".

The next morning, their mother greeted them in the kitchen by asking what they wanted for breakfast. Johnny said, "Aw hell mom I'll take some cheerios". In response to this, their mother spanked him, yelled at him, and sent him up to his room with no breakfast and was to be grounded for the day. The mom then turned to Andrew and said, "What would you like for breakfast?". Andrew, still shaking and confused about his brother's mishap, said, "I dont know, but you can bet your fat ass it wont be cheerios."

>:0

[twistedblister]

hey hip that was actually quite tame for a little johny joke. ha.

[cloud945076]

hahah, thats true

[WHO_99]

once again i'm bored so enjoy. also check out the funny pics thread i put some funny stuff there too.

1.) There was a taxi cab driver in New York. He was working on halloween. A Nun waved him down and he stopped. She climbed into the car and they started driving. The Taxi cab driver kept on looking in his rear view mirror at the nun, when finally she asked," My child, why are you staring at me?" And he answered her," I always wondered what It would be like to kiss a nun." So she said to him," Well, I'll let you kiss me but only if you are Christan and unmarried." And he quickly said," OH! YES! I'm Christian and unmarried." So she had him pull off into an alley and gave him a kiss that would make a hooker blush. When they came out of the alley the taxi cab driver's eye's started to water, and the nun asked," My child, why are you crying?" And he told her," I have sinned, I am not a Christian and I am married with two kids." And the nun said," That's ok, my name's Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

2.) sry if it offends anyone but i found it hilarious:
The New Priest:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, &quotWhen I am
worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If
I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got
nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1.Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3.There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6.We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9.When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

3.) kinda old but good:
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

4.) A Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife,whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

5.) not a joke but still funny:
http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures ... at+Chance/

once again i told you i was bored

[cloud945076]

hahaha, nice jokes man. :]

[twistedblister]

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."



from a friend of mine. :+)

[hippo99]

hey hip that was actually quite tame for a little johny joke. ha.

What do you mean?

[twistedblister]

Ihave no idea what day and what joke i dont remember at all.

[WHO_99]

i think he meant that other little johnny jokes are a little more racy

[twistedblister]

ahhhh. again its not a racy considering the Johnny ones i have heard.

[twistedblister]

A teacher friend sent me this.

:-)

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving> at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place> where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she> replies, 'I think that you're the father of one of my kids.'> Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful> to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor> party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies> watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery? She> looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher